If I Knew
by tony-starks-nipples
Summary: Tony's time is up. A life of drinking, drugs, and meaningless sex caught up to him, and there was no going back now. But he's not going to go before he hears about what his future with Steve would have been like. One shot. Stony.


Tony was dying. He had been dying before. It was almost a hobby of his. Not one he particularly enjoyed, but hey, life is what it is. This time it was different. This wasn't a cluster of shrapnel. This wasn't palladium poisoning. This wasn't falling out of a wormhole with his heart stopped. This was a normal something that had taken millions of lives before him, and would continue to take more after. Tony's liver was failing, and even he couldn't come up with a cure for that.

A life spend with drinking, drugs, and meaningless sex had finally caught up to him. It was now just a matter of time. It could be today, tomorrow, or six months down the line, but it was over. It was inevitable. It was the worst thing that had ever happened to him. But it was only the worst thing that ever happened because he had recently found the best thing that had ever happened to him.

Steve.

He knew months before he told Steve. It was stupid and wrong, but he couldn't bring himself to tell the love of his life that they didn't have much more time together. He thought he had more time than he did, but when he realized that he was running out, he broke down, told Steve, then sobbed into his chest, whispering _I'm sorry_ over and over until it wasn't words anymore, but an emotion.

His time was up. He was in the hospital. There was an IV in his arm to keep him hydrated and a heart monitor. The only reason he was hearing to steady beeping was because they were waiting until the beeping stopped to reveal a steady, high pitched whining that meant his life had ended. Steve hadn't left his bedside for the thirty six hours since he had taken Tony in his arms and rushed him here. He hadn't once let go of his hand. He hadn't eaten. Hadn't gone to the bathroom. Hadn't stood to stretch. He was a super soldier. Those things could wait. Tony couldn't look at his face. He knew Steve's eyes were swimming behind sorrow. He was twenty seven years old, but when Tony looked at his face, he looked seventy. Beaten and broken and tired.

"Steve?" Tony whispered.

Steve's head shot up. He had been looking at the ground. There were tears running down his face. He used his free hand to wipe them all away. "Hi there. How are you. Do you need anything? Do you want me to get a nurse?"

"No. I'm fine." But he wasn't. His mouth was sandpaper dry. He had a headache that came with hunger. But he couldn't stand the thought of Steve standing up. Of Steve letting go of his hand. He was sure that would kill him faster than his stupid body. "Have I told you lately that I love you?" Tony asked.

Tony watched as Steve nodded his head, biting his lip, not trusting his voice not to crack, holding back the tears. "I love you, too." Steve leaned up and gingerly took Tony in his arms. He was so light and Steve was terrified that one wrong move and he would snap Tony in half. Eventually he placed Tony back on the bed, but not before placing a kiss on his temple.

"Do you-" Tony had to pause to breathe. It was becoming more and more difficult for him to breathe. "Remember the first time we-" Breath "kissed?"

"How could I forget?"

"I'm glad I did it. And I wish it didn't have to end so soon. I wish I could kiss you every day for the rest of forever."

"I don't regret anything, Tony. We didn't have as much time as I wanted, but even if we were together forever, it wouldn't be enough time. But I don't regret it. I don't regret you."

There was a tired smile on Tony's face. "I don't regret you either." There was a long pause, and Steve was pretty sure that Tony had fallen asleep. But then he spoke again. "Tell me a story."

"A story about what?"

"About us. About what our future would have been like."

Steve's gave a sad smile and he looked at Tony. "Are you sure?"

"Please," Tony whispered.

"Well, um..." Steve began. He was already crying. "We were going-"

"Can you please make it present tense? I know... I know it's not real. But can we pretend?"

"Of course. We are going to get married on a Saturday. At sunset. It's lame and cliche, but for some reason it works for us. We're on the beach. The ceremony is small. The reception is huge. The party will last for days, and everyone in New York will filter through at some point. Everyone is happy. There are white balloons and lights and the biggest dance floor ever. Everyone will be making fools of themselves, but not caring because they're having so much fun. We'll dance to _Have I Told You Lately_. It's our wedding song. And even though I can't dance, I'll dance with you. Because you taught me.

"And when it's over, we'll be a boring little couple. We'll adopt a baby. We'll name him Peter. He'll be the best son ever because we'll be the best fathers ever. He'll sit on your lap on Sunday in the lawn of our country home, while Thor barbecues. The sun is going down and the grass is so green. The whole place smells like freshly mown grass. You reach over and grab my hand. We sit there and watch our friends having fun and smiling and being the goofballs they really are. We'll smile because it's perfect. Then Clint'll come over and pick Peter up off of your lap and play with him in the sprinklers. But that's not hard core enough for a group of superheroes, so you run and grab the hose. It's a super-powered hose because you're Tony Stark and you made it just for moments like this.

"We're all drenched. Sliding around in the mud. Thor's forgotten about the food, and we can smell it burn, but we don't care because all that matters is that we're together. And then, covered in mud, I'll tackle you down. We'll look into each others' eyes, and I'll kiss you. And you pretend you don't want it, but you melt into my kiss. Everyone pretends to be grossed out, but none of them look away because there has never been a more perfect example of true love.

"Then Peter will start school, and we'll cry when he gets on the bus. We won't know what to do around the house without him. We count the hours until he comes home. But the sex is still great. And it's still a regular activity. We never get sick of each other.

"And then Peter will go to college. We'll move him into his dorm room, and then when we drive away, we cry because we'll miss our son. But we're happy and so proud of him. He'll miss us too, but he'll be so happy.

"And then Peter is going to find the love of his life and he's going to marry her. It'll be the most beautiful wedding since ours. They'll dance to _Don't Want To Miss a Thing_."

"Sing it to me," Tony spoke.

"_Don't wanna close my eyes. Don't wanna fall asleep 'cause I'd miss you baby, and I don't wanna miss a thing. 'Cause even when I dream of you, the sweetest dream will never do._" Steve had to stop singing. He wished he hadn't picked that song. It was too relevant to the moment. Or maybe that's _why_ he had picked it.

"You have a beautiful singing voice." Tony's eyes were closed.

"No I don't."

"Your voice is the single most beautiful thing I've ever heard." Steve gave in to his tears. He put his head on Tony's shoulder and cried into it. "I'm sorry."

"I'm not."

"How does the story end?"

"We grow old together. Peter and his wife will have kids. We'll be grandpas and they will run around on that same lawn and make the same memories we did with Peter. We'll have spent our lives living in the tower with Natasha and Clint and everyone else. We'll be the happiest family ever. And it will be perfect. We'll live each day to the fullest. We'll fight all the time, but only because we love each other. But we never stay mad at each other. Because we're perfect, you and I. We're perfect for each other."

"I like that story. I wish I could live to make it happen."

"I wish you could, too."

"I need you to do something for me, Steve."

"Anything. I will do anything for you."

"Live that story for me. Find someone you love and have that perfect life with them. Make those memories. Play in that mud. And even though you still love me, and you'll always love me, you'll love him too. Or her. Or whoever. You can have two loves Steve, but don't let me get in the way of your perfect ending."

"But that's not _my_ perfect ending. That's _our_ perfect ending. I don't want to share it with anyone else."

Tony was breathing hard again. "Then make a new perfect ending. I'm not asking you to move on right away, but I want you to find love and have a happy life. Can you promise me that?"

"I promise."

The weakest of smiles was on Tony's face. A few tears ran down his cheeks. "Can you do one other thing for me?"

"Yes. Of course."

"Can you somehow manage to squeeze your giant body onto this bed with me, and hold me when I go?"

"But that's not gonna-"

"Steve. It's time. At least, I'm pretty sure it is."

"If that is what you want, Tony, I will lay in that bed with you for hours or days or weeks or months."

"Well c'mon in," Tony weakly patted the spot next to him. Steve gingerly picked Tony up and moved him from the center of the bed to the side, so that he could fit in next to him. Steve held him close, never wanting to let go. He cried into Tony's hair, while Tony cried into his chest.

This time Tony didn't have to ask. "_Have I told you lately that I love you? Have I told you there's no one else above you? You fill my heart with gladness. Take away all my sadness. Ease my troubles, that's what you do_..."

"I don't want to interrupt, but can I tell you my story?"

"Yes. Please."

"I wish we were seventeen. So... so I could give you all the innocence that you gave to me." Steve pulled Tony in closer to him if that was possible. "I wouldn't have done all the things that I have done... if I knew." Tony had to stop speaking and Steve was worried that was the end of his story. "If I knew one day you'd come."

And then there was that long, steady whining sound Steve hoped he never had to hear.

"You bastard. You can't leave me. You can't be done with me. I need you. I still need you. Come back to me! _COME BACK TO ME!_" A nurse was pulling Steve off of Tony. In his rage he swung his arm, trying to shrug her off and cling to Tony. But he hit her. He was sorry, but not sorry enough to let go of Tony.

He started yelling. And then he started screaming. There is a distinct difference between a yell and a scream. A yell is a raised voice. A scream is a guttural throat sound that rips through you because there is no other way to get rid of the anger of sadness or fear that is coursing through your body, slamming into you like wave, crushing your lungs, unable to kill you.

Apparently the rest of the team had been in the waiting room of the hospital because all of a sudden Thor was pulling him off of Tony. He was the only person strong enough to pick up Steve, and he did just that, cradling him in his arms. Steve was still screaming and sobbing into Thor's chest. Natasha held Steve's hand, while Clint held onto his arm. The spies tried to pretend they weren't crying. Because they were brave. They didn't cry. They weren't close enough to anyone to cry. But it was a lie. They loved Tony. Bruce tried to stay in the room, but he couldn't. He couldn't be in that room. He couldn't see his closest friend, lifeless, while the love of that friend's life sobbed over him.

The nurses watched the scene. This ragtag group loved each other. Steve had stopped screaming and had resulted to sobbing uncontrollably. He thought of the last thing Tony would ever say to him.

_If I knew one day you'd come_.

**Author's Note:  
Not gonna lie. I cried while writing this. Hard. Please review.  
Songs quoted: ****_Don't Wanna Miss A Thing-_****Aerosmith, ****_Have I Told You Lately_****-Rod Stewart, ****_If I Knew_****-Bruno Mars.**


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